I’m Working On It

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This post in sort-of a follow-up to my previous one. This bitter winter weather has gotten me feeling all introspective lately. It’s no secret that after a solid week of temperatures hovering around a tropical zero degrees, windchills clocking in at 30 below, daily snowfall, and 35 mph wind gusts that prevent you from spending any more than the absolute bare minimum of time outdoors, much less outside of your snuggie – alone on the couch – will give you a brutal case of the thinks, the feels, and probably the blues too. Well, I’m here to tell you, it’s true. This winter (really, this week, but it feels like months at this rate), unfortunately, is doing nothing good for my mental or emotional well being.

I guess that’s not entirely true. My brain is working, I’m writing again (clearly! look at me go!), I’m making lots of plans, and digging into plenty of long-neglected projects. But this February has definitely given me a lot of time to think (and over think) and analyze (and over analyze) and plan (and over plan) and look forward to summer in a borderline unhealthy way because I’ve caught myself fantasizing on several occasions that if I can just “get through” the next four months, life will be glorious. Which may be partly true. With summer comes the hopeful promise of warmth, sunshine, vacations, day trips, relaxation, the great outdoors, exciting work projects I enjoy, fun outings with friends, and most importantly – really long-and-eagerly-awaited quality time with my hubby.

But allowing myself to think that summer is a gloom cure-all puts an awful lot of pressure on just one season in an uncomfortable, hero-worshipy sort of way and, I think, only sets us up for disappointment. I mean, there are bound to be a few crummy or dull days during the summertime too, and it’s just foolish to think it’ll be completely perfect. But, more importantly, I don’t like the idea of this whole “just make it until…” or “just getting by” or merely “getting through it” mentality. I don’t think life, any phase or any season of it – no matter how cold or gray or dull or ordinary or lonely or hard – is something we should strive to just simply “get through”. As if we’re waiting to the REAL life to start. As blah and blue as this winter time may be for me right now (and it is – “the winter of our discontent”), it’s still real life. It’s still my life. Life doesn’t start when you’re finally blissfully happy – when summer finally arrives or when someone comes home or when you find a job that fulfills you or when meet the right person or have disposable income or buy a house or get pregnant or go on vacation. Life IS then. But life is also now too, and it’s worthy of – at the very least – an attempt at being loved, enjoyed, and appreciated in all its stages.
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With all this in mind, I’ve been trying to keep my thoughts positive and remind myself of ways that I can help myself shake off this nagging funk and pull myself out of the winter/I-don’t-think-I-can-make-it-another-4-months-until-mid-June slump. I’m not saying any of these things are particularly easy to pull off – some will take more effort than others – but they’ve all got value.
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1. Find a way to love each and every day. Because we only get so many days, so there’s no sense wasting them. Eat a dinner you enjoy, do something you like, call a friend or family member – find at least one thing (but, really, as many things as possible!) that will help you love that day. Write them down daily if it helps. Write down the good things that are coming out of this time in your life. Write down a few things you’re thankful for every day. Whatever it takes, don’t go to bed without loving something about your day that, you feel, made it worthy.
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2. Get moving. Fact: exercise makes you feel better – physically and emotionally. It boosts the feel-good endorphins. Pick a way to move that you’ll actually do because you like it. I invested in an unlimited-access pass to a workout program that sets dance routines and strength training to music. That one-hour class, as many days a week as I want to go, has done wonders for me.
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3. Variety. Try to make sure every day includes some work, some play, some physical activity, some time outside, some time inside, some busyness, and some relaxation. Variety keeps life full and helps prevent the boredom blues.
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4. Live in the present. I’m really bad at this. My mind always seems to take me to the next thing I’m looking forward to, even if it’s months away, or to the dread of something difficult I know is coming – even if there’s plenty of wonderful things for me to enjoy between now and then. In theory, I understand how keeping my mind in what’s happening right now is important, but training my mind to do it is a struggle. But I’m working on it.
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5. Have something to look forward to each day or evening. For me, I need something to look forward to after work. So I try to always have something I like planned for the evening – food, friends, a phone call, a TV program I’m excited about, an activity – something to keep my spirits up toward the end of the day (which is my particular time of struggle – yours might be different).
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6. Avoid isolation. You know, it’s really easy to fall into a pattern of spending a lot of time alone when the weather is miserable and the roads are treacherous and everyone’s schedules are packed. But it sure doesn’t do anything for your mood. When winter is sucking the life out of you, it can be a battle to get out of the house or spend some quality time with a friend, but it’s worth fighting for.
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7. Strive for balance. That being said, it doesn’t help if you’re TOO overbooked – another thing I have definitely been guilty of for the past several months. Making room for equal parts socializing, working, your personal life, and R&R is key. They’re all necessary. Overcompensating in any one area to try to prevent certain feelings doesn’t actually help you feel better.
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8. Don’t let your mind get too wild with thoughts or plans. I’m a Type A thinker and planner. It’s what I do, and I’m good at it. But sometimes I rely too heavily on planning, analyzing, and thinking to keep my mind occupied when I’m feeling down, which isn’t healthy either. I have to remind myself to not plan out my entire life so I can enjoy surprises, spontaneity, and running with whatever comes my way. Every now and then, try NOT to plan a day or a trip or an outing – just go with the flow.
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9. Have goals. Wandering aimlessly does nothing for me. Focusing on specific projects, goals, self improvement, or things you’ve always wanted to try, do, make, explore, or experience does. It gives me purpose, which is a great way to lift your spirits.
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10. Focus on others. It’s amazing what thinking about others instead of yourself will do for you. Volunteering, prayer (if you tend that direction), getting involved in a cause or something you care about, helping someone in need, putting more thought and love into your relationships or conversations with co-workers, and a genuine smile and hello for a stranger you pass on the street can be really uplifting and help pull you out of yourself.
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11. Ask for help when you need it. While there’s no guarantee you’ll get it, people can’t reach out to you if they don’t know that you’re in need of something. And most people do really want to help, or throw some support or love your way if they can. Don’t be afraid to ask for a friend, a hug, someone to hang out with, an ear to listen, advice, a visit, a workout buddy…whatever it is.
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This list, by no means, is a claim that I know it all or have it together. That’s why this list exists, in fact. Because these are the things that I – through trial and error – found help me the most when I’m battling the blues or just a sucky week of bleak midwinter blahs. And every day, I still work at them. A work in progress. But I’m working on it. Progress is progress (winter, take note!).
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The Real Deal

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I recently read an article about how writers and bloggers can afford to do what they do. About how some writers attribute their success to really hard work or years of unimaginable struggle when, sometimes, other factors like independent wealth or awesome connections played a rather pivotal role alongside hard work, struggle, and pure dumb luck. The point is that the author of the article felt the need to be honest about how she could afford to write – because her husband has a solid job, generous income, great benefits, paid vacation, travel opportunities, and he supports her work and dreams; financially and emotionally.

The candid approach of her article really hit me.There have been countless articles and posts and hash-tags shared over the past several years about real life – #honestmoments, as they’re often labeled. The need for us to be honest with one another about our lives, rather than simply let the rose-colored lens of facebook or instagram or our blog posts paint us as always cheerful, generous, successful, fulfilled and happy people. Sometimes we’re not those things. And sometimes we are those things, but because other factors have allowed that to happen for us, which can – to some people – be a price tag all of its own. Regardless, everybody sacrifices and nobody’s life is perfect and these moments of honesty can unite us. We all struggle, we all have a little help sometimes, and being real about it instead of covering it up can help us connect when the world feels like a lonely or false place.
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As I was reading this article in the kitchen over my lunch break one bleak Monday, I was feeling particularly blah. Blue, simultaneously overwhelmed and underwhelmed, tired, sluggish, feeling like every day was the exact same as the day before with no change in sight, sick of a bitter and frigid winter but feeling like the joys of summer are so completely out of reach, and just generally feeling lost and out of touch. Maybe for that reason, this article struck a chord in me – I was in just the right mood to read it and get something meaningful out of it. As someone who’s life has undergone a pretty drastic change from this time last year to where I stand now, I could appreciate this author’s need to share a real deal aspect of her life. It’s important that we all know that life can be wonderful and awful at the same time. Or it can be wonderful. But all that wonderful may come at a price. Or it can be miserable but have rare, bright shining moments that help make it bearable.
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I won’t go into all the details but last February we were together in the same city (finally) and happy and I loved my job, but Ted was still searching for the right job and we were stupid poor and constantly worried about how we’d pay our rent and afford medications. We didn’t want to be rich, or even well off. We just wanted to have steady, joyful work in our career fields and be able to afford the “needs” – and maybe even an occasional “want” too.
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This February, with a very unexpected opportunity that came about late last spring, we are – for the first time in our married lives – still frugal, but by intention rather than by a dire need to be frugal. We can pay for the “needs” and then a few small “wants” too. We’ve gotten to travel and see more of the world and our dreams of one day buying a house, having a pet, traveling, and retiring seem a little more like they might actually stand a chance – and that feels really, really good. I still love my job and I have completely amazing friends I delight in spending time with, and Ted now has a good job in his career field – all of which is great. But it doesn’t come without a sacrifice. It’s coming at a price. And it’s really, really hard sometimes. And every single day I struggle with these adjustments and their worth.
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I’m not ungrateful. Quite the opposite in fact. But this is – just for a moment – a real glimpse at my life. This is what it looks like when you remove the rose-colored lens of my facebook page, instagram account, and even this blog that shows dinners out with friends, camel treks from our travels in the Arabian desert, and hundreds of other snapshots and words about people, a job, and a city I really, truly do adore. But in exchange for all of this – and this is what facebook and instagram and blog posts don’t usually tell you – there’s also a fair share of heartache, loneliness, worry, second guessing, doubt, blah days, struggle, and nostalgia for our old poor-but-blissful newlywed life in Cincinnati.
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This isn’t a request for pity, sympathy, praise, or anything else. It’s an attempt at real, human connection. We all have real lives behind our social media accounts, smiles, witty banter, and “I’m fine, how are you’s?”- real lives that are sometimes rosy and sometimes not – and usually both at the same time. Often, it’s only after the fact that we realize a friend needed a hug two Thursday’s ago or that the co-worker who always appears so confident and put-together feels like their life is a mess. And being honest about it, even for a few brief moments, has the power to bring us together.
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