Monthly Archives: June 2011

So, you want us to become your community’s newest residents? That’s fair; we’re clean, tidy, quiet, friendly, responsible, well-behaved individuals looking to downsize, and we have excellent credit scores. You have an immaculately landscaped property and an apartment just itching to be rented. We’ve done a lot of looking over the past few days. We’ve spent countless hours online, scoped out our properties of choice, scheduled tours, gone on tours, done our research on amenities offered, and made our budget. We are, by no means, experts. But we’re well on our way. We’ve learned that there are some things that draw us in and some that send us fleeing. In the hunt for new digs when we’re faced with countless properties that offer everything from detached remote control access garages to sparking swimming pools to tanning beds, luxury clubhouses, cathedral ceilings, gourmet kitchens, private balconies, and preferred employer programs, here’s what impresses us right off the bat. These are definite Do’s!

– Preferred Employer Program perks: You’re willing to knock $25 off our monthly rent, waive the application fee, and cut our security deposit in half because Ted works at UC? Uh, sure. Yeah, that sounds excellent actually. 

– The $5 Papa John’s Pizza night: Once a month, every month, a large Papa John’s pizza ready and waiting for you at the clubhouse for only $5. I think this is one of Ted’s top criteria for an apartment community (for real). Bribing us with food? Apparently it works.

– An informed leasing agent: We ask a lot of detailed questions, so if you can recite the exact dimensions of the height, width and length of the garages upon request, know the complex’s rules on charcoal grill v. propane grill storage, enclosed trailer parking, internet package pricing options, and which utilities are gas and which are electric, you’ve already proven to us that you’re knowledgeable about your property and that you care about your resident’s needs and inquiries. That’s an instant turn-on.

– Updated buildings and amenities: So your building isn’t brand spanking new (but props if it is!), and that’s okay, but potential residents really appreciate well-cared for properties if they are older. Concrete and brick walls for sound-proofing and fire-safety, smoke alarms, fire suppressant sprinkler systems, new spacious cabinets, updated appliances, fresh paint, new carpet, windows that seal, no cracks in the walls…those kind of things can make a world of difference. I know these things definitely turn our heads.

How about what you should avoid? These may seem obvious, but they come straight from immediate personal experience. Take a hint leasing agents, these are big Don’ts!

– Glaring spelling, grammatical, or factual errors in your marketing materials: Check it over before you publish it. This simple task takes only 5 minutes of your time. Not to mention it must be fairly embarrassing when a newcomer points out your obvious errors in floor plans, amenities, or street names. The dimensions on the floor plans state the room is 2 feet bigger than it really is; that’s misguiding your consumer and there’s really no excuse for that information to be incorrect. Sentences that don’t even make sense because words are so badly misspelled, omitted, or in the wrong tense just looks unprofessional. These things do matter. 

– Dirty model apartments: If there is one thing I cannot stand to see on a walk-through of an apartment, it is filth. Nothing is more unimpressive or turns me off faster than a filthy tub, a layer of grime in the sink, dead bugs on the floor, broken counters or cabinets, mud on the tile floors, stained carpet, and general disrepair. I do realize that a cleaning crew comes in before each new resident moves in, but what a terrible first impression an outright dirty model apartment makes. If you really cared about your property or getting new leases, then you’d keep the place clean. Filth is non-negotiable.

– Keeping information from potential residents: I know you know the crime statistics of your area. When I inquire about it, “I don’t know” or “We don’t have access to that information,” is unacceptable. It just means that you’re not willing to share because you know that this apartment is located in SketchyTown USA and you’d rather cover up the uncomfortable apsects. Just be upfront – your honesty is appreciated. When we ask if the basements of the townhomes leak, just be honest if they do. It’s not a make or break situation, we’ll just be better prepared. If there are problems, that’s okay. It’s to be expected because no property is prefect. But I do expect you to be honest and upfront with your information and if you don’t have an answer to something, to offer to find out the answer. 

All of this is to say that we’ve had some great experiences and some disappointing ones. Sadly, we’ve discovered the great experiences are a little out of our price range. And so the search is far from over, but it’s been a rewarding experience so far and we’ve learned, at the very least, what we like and what we don’t like. Wish us luck!

This is what I call a WIN.

Really simple things that people make unbelievably difficult.

Today’s topic is a personal favorite of mine. I work at an anonymous public institution where groups of people, from children to seniors, and people from all different walks of life converge to learn, play and enjoy the past, present and future. This a great thing to be involved in. But often we are bombarded with unbelievably ridiculous incidents. I’m amazed how many times we have to explain exceedingly simple tasks, over and over again, to confused people who just. don’t. get. it. and, somehow, these people manage to make easy things so much harder than they could ever really possibly be. Would you like a few examples?

Easy Task #1: Standing in a line. I don’t get it. What is so thoroughly challenging about finding the clear and obvious start of a line, joining that line, and standing in that line without complaining, cutting, badgering others, facing the wrong direction, forming your own line, creating your own incorrect entrance/exit, and rearranging the scansion that you shouldn’t be touching to your liking. And these are not children I’m talking about. These are full blown adults and seniors. People: You are making a stupid simple task a nightmare for everyone around you. Furthermore, when someone finally takes pity on your poor soul and explains to you how a line works, why do you look even more confused than ever and continue to stand there, doing the wrong thing and often the exact opposite of what you were just told to do, and looking completely dumbfounded?

Easy Task #2: Handing someone a ticket. When someone approaches you with an electronic ticket scanner and you are holding a ticket with a bar code on it, what do you think you should do? Cover up the bar code with your hand when you hold out your ticket the wrong direction, backwards and upside down? Hold out your hand or, even better, lean forward for your eyeballs to be scanned instead of your ticket? (This is not outer space, people) Recoil in horror while exclaiming “what are you going to do to me with that thing!?” No. You should simply hold out your ticket so that the bar code can be scanned. End of story. That’s it. While we’re at it, why would you throw away your tickets assuming you won’t need them again and then out of the thousands of faces we see daily, expect us to remember you? Keep your tickets. It’s a very simple task. Don’t make it any harder than it already is.

Easy Task #3: Parking in a legal parking space in a parking lot. Do you see those white and yellow arrows on the ground that point in opposing directions? Do you see that triangular section of diagonal white lines? Those are not parking spaces. That means you cannot, and should not, park there. I get that it’s a big, full parking lot. I get that that’s a long way for you to walk, and you’re lazy. But those arrows? That’s a lane, where people pass through from one section of the parking lot to the other. If you park there, nobody can get through and people cannot get into or out of the parking lot. This is, quite obviously, a problem. Not to mention a huge epic fail. If you cannot identify and abide by legal parking space, maybe you should reconsider driving at all.

Easy Task #4: Showing your ID card or giving a cashier your zip code. Especially if there is a sign reading “You must present your photo ID” then this stupid simple task should not be met with sighs, grumblings, glares, arguing, “Oh, I didn’t know I had to” or “Why?” Also, a zip code is a 5 digit number. When you expertly sprout out two digits like “1-8” or “2-0” the cashier is left to wonder when the U.S. zip code changed from 5 digits to only 2 and how on earth he/she could possibly innately know those first three numbers when Cincinnati, Northern Kentucky and Indiana have a million different zip code combinations to choose from.

Easy Task #5: Reading and following signs. Unless you cannot read or do not speak English, this should be a piece of cake. If a sign says “Line Starts Here” then why on earth are you cutting in front of that entire line of people? If the sign says “No Food or Drink Near the Precious, Rare, Irreplaceable and Exceedingly Expensive Artifacts” then why on earth do you seem so shocked when someone asks you to get rid of beloved venti coffee, your monster blue food-dye enhanced slushie and greasy twinkie? If you ask where a particular exhibit is located while standing directly next to a sign reading “Exhibit this way” accompanied by an arrow, don’t be shocked when I do nothing more than point to the sign, totally stupefied. Really, most of your stupid questions could be avoided entirely if you’d just read the signs we have so helpfully posted everywhere for you to read, or you know in your case, ignore entirely.

Easy Task #6: Wearing appropriate clothing in public. Though this requires no explanation, I will elaborate anyway. Leggings are not pants. Underwear are not shorts. A bikini top is not a shirt. See-through is not cute. And walking age children should not be running around a public institution barefoot.

Easy Task #7: Introducing yourself politely instead of just assuming that everyone knows who you are. Oh, you’re a member of the board of trustees? You’re an upper-level sponsor? You’re our biggest donor? The president of the institution? A volunteer? A Member?Great! Next time, instead of getting all huffy and offended when some lowly employee who has never seen you before in their life and has not a clue who you are or how important you, apparently, are asks to see your ticket or photo ID, just get out your ticket or ID like a normal human being or, if you simply must flaunt it, kindly state your name and title. It’s rude for you to expect for me to just instinctively know who you are and then get mad when you’re asked for ID. This is an easy task for someone so brilliant. Just swallow your pride and get the ticket or ID. It’s that easy.

Easy Task #8: Operating the elevator. Good God this is not brain surgery.

How many really simple things that people make unbelievably difficult do you see every day that you want to ponder on this Epic Fail Friday? If you have any good ones, please feel free to share!

This weekend…

• …We both worked at least one full day – Ted worked more than that. I long for the day when our only weekend working is shows on Friday and Saturday nights and the occasional Sunday matinee!

• …An abandoned six-foot python was found hanging out in the dumpster of the KFC a few blocks from our house chowing down on some fried chicken. He has since found a foster home and, my parents informed me, made it onto the local news in Boerne, TX last night. What a little star!

• …I received a comp ticket from my friends at the fabulous movement-based performance arts company I’m working with to attend the Contemporary Dance Theater’s Area Choreographer’s Festival at the Aranoff Center on Saturday night. I enjoyed a lovely night out in the throws of Cincinnati’s bustling nightlife and entertainment district and got to enjoy some contemporary choreography, through I have mixed thoughts on the actual performance pieces. Two were fabulous, two I liked well enough, and two were absolutely, painfully, dreadful. As always, it was well worth free and I do enjoy me a good dance concert every now and then!

• …I finally gave in to my nagging hipster desire for all-things-pretty and planted a succulent garden to pay homage to my love of the coolest plants ever. If you remember, my ever-so-slightly non-traditional wedding bouquet featured tons of rad succulents. They’re unique, colorful, resilient, and look super fetching on our kitchen island. I may have given in to the latest newlywed 20-something trend, but let’s be real here, thanks to my mom I was into succulents long before it was the cool thing to do.

• …I found an easy recipe for coconut milk mango sorbet that I will be making immediately because it sounds like something that is so delicious that it requires immediate consumption. I’ve also been craving homemade snickerdoodles and mini single-serving orange rhubarb and mixed berry pies served in 4 oz mason jars. I better not get fat (though I would totally deserve it).

• …We caught up on episodes of Deadliest Catch, starting with season 1. Thank you Netflix free one-month trial offer! Deadliest Catch is a Discovery Channel TV series about the world’s “most dangerous job” – the 200+ fishing boats and their crews who venture out into the unpredictable, frigid, and stormy waters of the Bering Sea to catch the U.S.’s annual supply of Alaskan king crab. In a week (if the king crab fishing season lasts that long) these men can easily bring home a whole year’s salary – if they survive, that is. It’s a pretty amazing show and exciting prep work (um, of sorts. we’re not that cool) for our honeymoon!

The best part about my place of employment other than, you know, that whole minor educational and cultural thing (a.k.a the reason this institution exists), is the wedding stalking I get to do. This pleases me to no end. Nearly every Friday and Saturday there’s one, if not two, weddings for me to visually intrude on. Heaven help you if you, as a patron, get in the way of hawkish ogling of the bride’s dress, the cake, the groomsman’s suit, or the bouquets while I am at work, being paid to work. Okay, so it’s not really that bad, but the second that limousine/extended hummer/party bus/classic car pulls up in front the building, it’s game time! My entertainment for the rest of the day has officially begun. There’s newlywed pictures to be taken, wedding parties to be posed, cakes and chairs and centerpieces of be set up, drapes to be hung, lights to be installed, and music to be tested. I may have no intention of ever planning another wedding, but I am still female and it is still a wedding, and therefore I am still interested. I am happy as a clam admiring all of a couple’s wise and nifty choices with approval. I am equally as happy judging any hideous or unfortunate choices with a discreet questioning gaze or sneer, knowing full well that it is absolutely none of my business anyhow. So far I have yet to see one bride’s dress that I have been inspired by, but I continue to hold out hope. I masquerade as a worker, a clever disguise, but really I’m the most eager of uninvited guests.

Do you have a secret hobby?