Monthly Archives: July 2011

Epic Fail Friday: Coney Island

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Last Sunday when Ted’s sister & family were in town for the 4th of July weekend we paid a visit to Cincy’s premier little amusement park dating back to the 1800’s – Coney Island! Coney Island in itself is definitely not an epic fail. It’s located right along the Ohio River and is oozing with old fashioned rides and sweet carney charm. There’s an enormous pool and a wide variety of traditional fair food – a candy store, slushies, hot dogs, beer, ice cream, snowcones, burgers and funnel cakes. There are scenic wooded picnic areas, a beach at the river to take a stroll along, a stage for live bands, fireworks, hot air balloons, and a ferris wheel, roller coaster, bumper cars, swings, giant slide, paddle boats, and nausea-inducing spinning rides dating back many decades. It’s a nostalgic step back to a time when good clean fun was king and things were simpler and cheaper. And with half-price admission coupons to go along with the already thrifty price tag, it’s a great place to spend the afternoon.

Now, the people who apparently frequent this place on the 4th of July weekend are a whole different story entirely. Boy was the people watching fantastic! I gave up counting the number of vehicles parked straight in diagonal parking spaces. I also gave up counting the extremely embarrassingly and ill-fitting or outright inappropriate swimsuits, “cover ups” (that covered nothing I assure you), or heinously gaudy outfits. I get that this is a theme park of sorts so attractive attire isn’t necessarily priority, I get that it’s sticky and hot out so limiting clothing is a popular option, and I get that it’s the 4th of July therefore patriotic flag shirts are all the rage. But, man, was the people watching good! I saw so many epic fails of truly scary proportions that it was unreal. I had my camera ready and poised to document the atrocious parking jobs and laughable/inappropriate outfits with everything you don’t want to see hanging out, but my memory card just didn’t have enough room to hold it all and I decided it might be too rude to actually post those pictures on the web for all the world to see. Alas, no photo evidence, but at least your imagination can get a workout.

Lesson of the day: Unless you want to be somebody’s inside joke or hilarious memory of 4th of July 2011, please reconsider what you think is appropriate public attire and what you think looks good on you. If it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t fit. Just don’t buy it or go up one size – there’s no shame in that. If you need to feed your baby, yanking your flabby hooter out of your already ill-fitting bikini top with at least 30 complete strangers surrounding you may not be the best way to accomplish that. Neon yellow highwaters do not match your red, white and blue flag button-up. Please wear pants – your skimpy swimsuit bottom that amplifies and highlights your massive 75-year-old thunder thighs is fine at the pool, but not so stylin’ when your ripply thighs are flapping in the breeze on that swing ride. Look before you park. If everyone around you is parked at a diagonal, you probably should be too. It was a wealth of epic fail. A joyful, funny, wealth of memorable goodness. Please don’t be that person. Happy Epic Fail Friday!

What truly epic fails have you seen recently?

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How to Have the Most Relaxing 3-Day Weekend Since Undergrad

*A suggested itinerary.

Saturday

I’d recommend starting off your morning with a trip to the local farmer’s market up the street to ogle the freshly-picked vegetables and to select a block of creamy lemon zest cheese and a carton of brown eggs that were laid the day before. You’ll want to treat yourself to a sampling of the luxurious baked doughnuts and gourmet snickerdoodle and chocolate chip cookies sold there as well because they are positively delectable. Proceed homeward to play in the hose water wash, dry, polish and vacuum your vehicle and relish in the beautiful mid-morning weather. Take a drive in that handsome, shiny car of yours to explore a new-to-you area of Cincinnati that looks like a forgotten step back in time. Take a lovely stroll around the scenic playground and park just steps from your house while awaiting the arrival of your weekend guests. Enjoy a good old fashioned American cookout of beer brats with all the fixins’, BBQ and sour cream & onion chips, fresh-squeezed lemonade, watermelon, and homemade mini strawberry rhubarb pies. Turn on the radio, play a few games of washers in the lawn, whoop the pants off your opponents, then snuggle in for an evening of relaxing television watching, the likes of Deadliest Catch and Pawn Stars.

Sunday

After attending mass with a toddler who thumps the music issue shut during the quietest possible moment of the mass then declares in a loud, echoing voice “Are we done yet!?” hereby providing the entire congregation with some church-time entertainment, head home to feast on a lunch of creamy chicken taquitos, queso blanco dip, and cilantro lime rice – all homemade. Allow yourself a good half hour to roost before playing three competitive games of team washers in the front yard. Lay down on the bed for a few minutes to cool down beneath the swirling ceiling fan and end up taking the most cozy and thoroughly refreshing hour-and-a-half nap you’ve had in the last several years. Load up the car and drive five miles to the river between Ohio and Kentucky to Coney Island for an evening of shameless people watching, slushies, funnel cakes, beer, giant slides, roller coasters, bumper cars, glowing hot air balloons and an early 4th of July fireworks display.

Monday

Sleep in late, deck yourself out in red, white and blue and walk to the Independence Day parade in your local township. Applaud the Purple Heart Veterans, wave to the firetrucks and horse-drawn carriages, listen to the high school band playing patriotic tunes and scramble for Dubble Bubble and Starburst candies tossed out of vintage cars by cheerleaders. Your next stop should be the greasy spoon 1950s diner down the road for a late brunch where you’ll devour plates of breakfast food, onion rings, and Philadelphia root beer, all the while dreaming of the crowd you’d need to polish off the 4 lb. Big Nasty cheeseburger and 20-scoop, 4 topping ice cream sundae. Vow to make it happen…eventually. When the drizzles threaten head the children’s museum where adults definitely do not fit through the rope tunnels at the woods-themed playscape and make a pit-stop at the Duke Energy ball pit to watch a pair of clumsy siblings tear through the rope curtain entrance at warp speed, trip over themselves, then nose-dive and face plant it into the carpet. Laugh because that is the only appropriate response. Pull into the ice cream parlor for a dish of the world’s tastiest hand-scooped mint chocolate chunk ice cream. Finally end your weekend at home sitting down to a plate of homemade Italian sausage pasta casserole, a bottle of Door County black cherry wine split among the adults, ice cream & pop rocks cupcakes, and a late night of adult-only fun – hours worth of Wii Party games and a glorious view of your next door neighbor’s sparkling 4th of July fireworks display right from your living room’s picture window. God bless America!

*Note: The best way to carry out a relaxing, fun, and stress-free weekend of epic awesomeness is to plan nothing – no events, no times, no itineraries – and just go with the flow. Oh, and be sure to eat a lot. Oink oink! The one thing you can plan to do? Continue the tradition annually. :-)

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July!

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It’s July already! Can you believe that? Only two months of summer left. How did June go by so quickly? I wait all year for summer and it goes by in the flash of a lightning bug!

Our three-day-weekend has arrived and we are going to OWN it. I am so pumped for a relaxing 4th of July weekend! I cannot wait for Coney Island and movies and wii games and tasty desserts and lawn games and cookouts and fireworks and the family that’s coming in town to share it all with us. Tomorrow morning I’m excited to hit up the farmer’s market I’ve been anxious to visit and then play in the hose water wash my car. I anticipate a weekend of pure loveliness!

On Tuesday night we received free tickets to the Cincinnati Opera’s newest production of “A Flowering Tree” with live music from the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra. I also wouldn’t be surprised if one of the primary Cincinnati dance companies had something to do with it too, though don’t quote me on it because I don’t really know for sure. Have I ever mentioned how much I like free performance art? It pretty much rocks.

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This opera was unique because it was a contemporary opera – sung mostly in English with some Spanish mixed in as well. Furthermore, it was a translated Indian folk tale, composed in 2006, with a contemporary set design and India-inspired costumes to go with the English and Spanish lyrics. The story was sweet and uncomplicated, without countless details to keep track of, graphic plot twists, or grandiose themes. It was as accessible as it was beautiful, something that everyone could appreciate.

On Wednesday Ted switched it up for the hot summer months with a stylin’ new haircut. This was before…

…and this is him now!

I’ve always loved his hair long and the guy has killer thick, shiny hair that any girl would love to have, but he’s very handsome with short hair too. All the while I’ve know him he’s switched back and forth between long and short hair, and like the Wife of the Year that I am (he’s laughing himself silly right now), I love him either way. Bonus points because now he looks just like the sweet dude I married.

This week we were also graced with the presence of this little one in our neighbor’s yard for several early morning hours. Ted calls her Jo. She looked lonely without her mamma, but she was so adorable strolling around the yard, taking a bath, and laying down for a nap. I’m convinced our neighbor spayed “Baby Deer Away” on her landscaping because Jo hasn’t been back to visit since.

Today we discovered more new plants in our yard! As the seasons change new flowers keep cropping up that we never knew were planted in our yard. In the early spring it was the daffodils, then the rose bushes, and now these beautiful pink and purple blossoms. The longer we live here, the more we discover. Maybe there’s a secret pumpkin patch waiting to sprout up in October!

And because it is, indeed, Epic Fail Friday, I won’t disappoint, though my fails are pretty lame this week, so be prepared to be unimpressed. I have nothing witty to offer. Today’s Epic Fail Friday is brought to you by stale fortune cookies and the Red Hat Society. Its been a pretty tame week so I don’t have much to rag on. I’ve been reduced to labeling a stale fortune cookie at our Chinese eatery of choice as an epic fail. Maybe that in itself is an epic fail? Regardless, it was a fail because the fortune cookie is such a looked forward to tradition that I was pretty aghast at the lack of a fresh fortune cookie. Monday as a whole was pretty much a day of complete epic fail on the job front. We dealt with so many stupid questions, rude people and door alarms that we started keeping tally but eventually lost track. Needless to say, it was a painful day. That day my co-worker Sara and I had to deal with the most scatterbrained, confused, and frankly, obnoxious, group of red hat society women to ever set foot into a public institution. I have absolutely nothing against the red hat-ers or their color coordinated rhinestones and sequins, bejeweled shirts, net and feather hats, red pants, and purple sweater-sets. Most of them are very nice people who really just enjoy the group outings and one-another’s company, and if they want to enjoy it in head-to-toe red and purple, well then more power to them. That being said, this particular group of individuals was a serious test to our sanity and kind of made us want to drink beer at 11 a.m., under a people-free rock. We explained no less than 7 times the direction in which the line formed. Eventually, when words apparently failed, we physically showed them. When that too failed and we continued to battle question after question after question and the “group leader” insisted on organizing micro-managing each lady’s line placement (totally incorrectly, might I add), we just gave up, totally overwhelmed by the chaos of it all. That entire day was basically one giant epic fail. So for the sake of keeping up with tradition, there’s this week’s Epic Fail Friday. Oh, but wait! I do have just one more epic fail to offer! Please excuse the horrible cell-phone pic, but is that a noodle in Ted’s blueberry breakfast crepes from Bob Evans? Yes. Yes, it is. I guess it beats the dead rat someone found in the Kroger salad bag this week in Cincy.

I’ll be on a brief blogging hiatus to enjoy the 4th of July weekend with my family, but with any luck I’ll be back on Tuesday to fill you in.

Have a safe, happy and fun-filled weekend!

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