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I know what you’re thinking. “A week-long Alaskan cruise….yeah, real tough life there Buck-O…”

But before you get all judgy on me, cool your jets and allow me to explain. Here’s a bit of helpful advice, should you consider an Alaskan cruise of your own in the future (and you totally should).

1. Quit being a stubborn beast, swallow your cheap pride, and shell out the bucks for a waterproof (not water-repellent, not water-resistant, but fully waterproof) raincoat and waterproof duck shoes or rain boots. Decent ones on sale could easily run you about $50 each, but it is an investment well worth the cost. It poured in Juneau, it rained in Ketchikan, and it was windy as all get-out in Glacier Bay, so I cannot even begin to tell you how thankful I was for that Columbia waterproof rain jacket with hood and roomy zipper pockets (to keep the camera dry!) that I picked up for $50 on Amazon when it was on sale. I wore it every single day. Because I didn’t want to be a weenie or waste money, I opted not to invest in the supremely cute waterproof duck shoes I saw at L.L.Bean. What a mistake! Instead I wore thick socks and sneakers, which were both soaking wet and freezing cold approximately 30 minutes after docking in Juneau. I resorted to traipsing back to the ship, changing socks, and wrapping my feet in garbage bags to try to keep them dry for the rest of the day in port. This was stupid, uncomfortable, and ineffective. Rinse and repeat in Ketchikan. And my shoes stayed wet and smelly for at least two days thereafter. The lesson learned is don’t be cheap and just buy the cute, waterproof duck shoes. Or you can pull this little stunt and look like a dweeb – a cold, wet dweeb.

2. By the way, the later in the Alaskan cruise season (May-Sept.) that you go, the rainier it gets. I learned this in Juneau – a very good time to acquire this knowledge indeed. If you plan to cruise Alaska at the end of August when it’s not quite as frigid as it will be in May, I would highly suggest that you be in possession of said rain jacket and duck shoes. Or you can go in May when it’s freezing every day, but less likely to rain. Or you could just pick a random time to go and luck out completely. You really can’t control the weather, so my advice is to just be aware of its trends, pack appropriately, and don’t let the rain spoil your fun. It’s a part of Alaska, so soak it in!

3. I suppose I should also mention that the later it gets in the cruise season, the rougher the seas are. Let me repeat: Alaskan cruises are not for weenies!! I’d heard that Alaskan waters can be choppy, but I took this with little more than a grain of salt because I encountered virtually no motion sickness on my Caribbean cruise a few years ago where the waters were as placid as can be. Well, the Pacific Ocean can be a colossal beast and she’s no picnic at the end of August, I can assure you. By day two the barf bags were on full display by the mid-ship elevators, nobody could walk straight, the pools on deck were sloshing violently from side to side, and Bonine was our best friend. Bonine is the way to go in terms of a motion sickness drug. It’s dirt cheap, chewable, lasts all day, and helps even the queasiest of sailors. The seasickness patch that you stick behind your ear, on the other hand, is crazy expensive and kind of useless as we learned that the side effects are tiredness and dizziness. Dizzy, obviously, is exactly how you want to feel when you’re already feeling queasy. Am I right? So if you’re prone to the tortures of motion sickness (or even if you think you aren’t, because you will be), stock up on at least three boxes of Bonine. To be fair, the crew of the ms Oosterdam did say that the seas were unusually rocky, even for this late in the cruising season, so we may have just caught it on an “off” week. But if you think late August may be too much to handle, go in June. Or take your Bonine regularly and you’ll be feelin’ fine.

4. Invest in an excellent monocular or pair of binoculars. I’m talking about the good ones – a respectable brand, waterproof so the lenses don’t permanently fog up, fully multi-coated for extra clarity, and you’ll want a power of at least 10×42. Sure, you could drop $10 for a cheap pair of 8×25 binoculars, but be aware that you won’t be able to view any objects closer than 20 feet away, the images will be fuzzy instead of crisp, the eye hole will be smaller so you’ll see less, and it’ll be nearly impossible to hold it still for long enough on a moving ship to focus in on anything. We invested in two monoculars, one for each of us, that were high definition, 10×42, fully multi-coated, waterproof, and had a 6 ft. close focus. I say invested because they were costly, but we loved having them! We selected the Zen-Ray brand, a favorite among cruise message board forum members. We had incredible views of eagles, sea otters, islands, glaciers, mountain waterfalls, and so much more.

5. Lose 10 lbs before you go. Your pants may be sagging off your rump as you embark the ship, but don’t worry. You’ll eat it all back within a week and then you’ll be incredibly grateful to be one of only ten people who are able to leave the ship with clothes that still fit and not labeled as “cargo.”

6. Select your cruise ship based on itinerary. You’ll be on the ship for seven days, so it makes sense to select a cruise line that suits your wants and needs. You may be dreaming of a ship with a lavish spa with Turkish baths, spa services and a great salon, fabulous nightly entertainment of all kinds, wonderful musicians, art auctions, excellent food, a loose casino, a bingo tournament, a jogging track, basketball court, rock climbing wall, movie theatre, computer or cooking classes, bowling lanes, Wii gaming systems, dance clubs, a library, spacious staterooms, or any number of things. Every ship out there has something special to offer. Many cruise lines have a “label” – Carnival is the party cruise line, Holland America is for old people, Celebrity is for snobs, etc. I say ignore those labels, select the ship that offers the amenities that suite you the best, and take your itinerary into account! We chose Holland America because they’ve been cruising Alaska the longest and their ships are known for being just a touch smaller size-wise, so they can get a little closer to the glaciers. They also offered the longest amount of time in port each day for exploring Alaska, and they went to Sitka instead of Skagway and Glacier Bay instead of the Hubbard Glacier. Sitka is rarely visited by cruise ships, therefore it is a fairly un-commercial, small little Alaskan town where you can get a true sense of what life is like in Alaska. And from my research I’ve noted that Glacier Bay knocks the socks off of the Hubbard Glacier. We were debating between a cruise on the Norwegian Pearl or the Holland America Oosterdam, so we let the itinerary decide for us and I’m so glad we did.

7. Book adventurous excursions. Diamond shopping in Juneau, the city bus tour of Ketchikan, and a salmon feast in Sitka are not adventurous. They are overpriced and lame. You can do these things in Ohio, so why waste your time in Alaska shopping for jewelry when you could instead be doing something you may never have the opportunity to do otherwise? You don’t have to select the extreme 5-mile glacier hike or bear tracking deep in the woods of the Tongass National Park, but if you are physically capable, please attempt to select activities that require at least some sense of adventure and will illicit more than mere guffaws from your friends. This is the land of the great outdoors, of fire and ice, of wildlife, and of adventure – don’t be a weenie and spend it indoors watching a video about salmon runs. Get out there and watch the salmon run! Book the most unique, adventurous, and un-commerical excursions you can find (and don’t be afraid to book from outside companies – they often offer better excursions for a fraction of the price) and you’ll experience Alaska in a way you won’t soon forget.

You’re still here? Wow. Thanks for hanging in there! The pictures are coming soon – I promise! :-)