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You might be crazy if…

…you insist upon forcing your unwilling children to ride down the escalator and then run back up the stairs and ride it down again 4 + times in a busy public establishment during the busy holiday season, blocking all traffic and illiciting glares from your fellow citizens as you do so, all in an effort for you to secure a perfect picture of your offspring riding an escalator. What a major life milestone. Totally worth your time, effort, and everyone else’s patience and sanity. You do not look like a doting mother, you look like a crazy fool.

…you think merely walking up to a front desk and stating “I am Karen and I am here” and then refusing to give any additional information is going to help that poor person behind the front desk figure out why you’re here, what you need, or how to help you. Entitlement is decisively un-sexy.

…you’re one of those parents who allows their children to terrorize others in public, run amuck screaming loudly, pester staff who are working on oh, you know, doing their job, stuff other people’s things in their drooly mouths and then not even offering to wipe it down with a Lysol wipe, or plop your spawn’s smelly diapered behind on a cashier’s counter-top, where they will inevitably proceed to touch and/or drool on all their business materials. If you’re incapable of parenting responsibly, then you shouldn’t have had children. Fact.

…you’re still under the unfortunate misconception that wearing leggings without the company of a dress, mini skirt, or extra long shirt is appropriate public attire. Leggings are not pants. Tights are not pants. And it’s 30 degrees outside. You don’t look as great or smart as you, apparently, think you look.

…you are under the assumption that planting your caroling troupe squarely in front of a desk where people have to speak, listen, be heard and conduct business transactions, often with elderly patrons, while you sing jovial holiday tunes loudly is, in any way, appreciated or helpful. At the risk of sounding like Scrooge, I am unamused and I can’t hear anything other than you. 

…your holiday shipping rate for regular old plain Jane snail mail of a 1 lb. package is $15 + and, mysteriously, costs more than the item itself. You are outright insane if you think you’re going to earn anyone’s business that way. I’m not dumb and I know for a fact that it doesn’t cost that much to ship. You’re not fooling anyone and you just appear selfish beyond measure.

…you think walking away from someone who helped you without saying a simple “thank you” or even acknowledging them goes unnoticed. You may be batshit crazy for being so rude, but sadly, you’re not alone as there are at least 18,000 other people in Cincinnati who were reared without any sense of respect or manners.

…you happen to be the people who live above Ted and I and you dispose of your egg shells, dryer lint, and cigarette butts on the, otherwise, very lovely expanse of land that we call our backyard. If this is you, I hope you are reading this, because you are crazy. Nobody thinks littering is cute. You’re an adult, so act like one and use the damn trash can.

Don’t worry, I’m totally not as bitter as I sound. I’m more amused than anything else. I sure hope you found these little snippets of truth (and stupidity) as amusing as I do! What irks you? I hear sharing is therapeutic. :-)

Happy Saturday!