So yesterday after I pulled myself together from the epic “working outside in subzero temps” debacle of 2012 and got over my raging, though kind of unfounded (in retrospect, of course) anger, I had a lovely evening. I met my friend Allyson for the opening night performance of Henry VIII: All Is True at Cincinnati Shakespeare Company. We both thoroughly enjoyed the show and the ladies’ costumes were to die for! This Shakespeare history play is a must see, especially if you’re a history buff or, you know, just obsessed with Henry and his litany of wives like I am. Especially that sly Anne Boleyn – what a sneak! It was a very nice evening at the theatre with a good friend, despite the bitter cold and snow. And this morning between a theatre workshop engagement and my shift at the museum I met Ted for a lunch date, which is always a welcome (and tasty) way to sneak in some time with the dude.
But onto what’s really been tossing around in my head lately:
Courage
Confidence
Comparing
I’ve been reflecting on some things lately, especially now that I’m really pushing myself back into acting and applying for full time professional theatre jobs instead of four theatre part-timers. I think courage, confidence, and comparing are three things I’ve struggled with for a while, at least since college. But this year I’m making a concerted effort to be more courageous in the face of things that scare me – like driving in the snow and on potentially icy roads, auditioning at equity houses, teaching theatre to very young children who are not in the age range I most often work with, and applying for the good theatre jobs that I really want, even though I fear rejection. I’ve done all four of these things already in 2012 and I like how it feels, how I’m already less afraid now than before because I’ve had some practice. It hasn’t been easy and it’s still a struggle, but having courage feels good.
I am also working to build up my confidence, because I think somewhere along the way I might have lost it. Theatre is a business of rejection – we all know that. Lots and lots of “no’s” before you finally get your “yes”. Maybe once upon a time I got hurt by the “no’s” or maybe I got used to being around super talented people all the time and since I was so young and still learning, I feared that I wasn’t one of them. But I am. I can be. Of only I start trusting myself again, and believing in my talents and skills again, and putting myself out here again – this time armed with the knowledge that “no” isn’t bad and I shouldn’t let “no” diminish my confidence or make me forget all the cool things I have already accomplished or still want to do. “No” is just “You did your best and there’s something even better out there for you. You just haven’t found it yet.”
It took me years to reach this point, but I am so relieved that I can honestly say that I am no longer hurt or offended or embarrassed by “no” because I believe that it brings me one step closer to the right job or the right part for me, which is what I really want. Not being your own worst critic or so hard on yourself feels mighty fine!
And that brings me to comparing. In the past three years I have had the privilege of working with the cream of the theatre crop. Ungodly talented and incredibly kind directors, actors, and administrators that I looked up to, learned from, and am grateful to have friended. Being around such talented, funny, and good-hearted people is wonderful, but also a little daunting, and the competition can be terrifying. So this year, in addition to being courageous enough to confidentially do the things that scare me, I’m going to work on being more fair to myself and not comparing my talents or achievements to the talents or achievements of others. I’m good at some things and others are good at other things. End of story. There really is no way to fairly compare something so abstract, so I’m just not going to compare anymore. I can only compare my work to my work, and so I will stick with that.
And I have a sneaking suspicion that these 3 C’s just might work hand-in-hand. Without the comparison nonsense I will feel more confident in my abilities, and the more confident I feel, the more easily it comes to be courageous and defeat my own fears. And who doesn’t want to befriend or work with or hire someone like that?
I’m really excited to feel the effects of positive change this year! Between these and my other resolutions (see my previous posts for more on that!) I’m hoping for a joyful 2012. It won’t be without its trials, I’m sure, but I can only control me and how I face those trials. And so that’s what I will work on.
How was your Friday night? Have you had any deep thoughts or revelations lately?
