Last Sunday when Ted’s sister & family were in town for the 4th of July weekend we paid a visit to Cincy’s premier little amusement park dating back to the 1800’s – Coney Island! Coney Island in itself is definitely not an epic fail. It’s located right along the Ohio River and is oozing with old fashioned rides and sweet carney charm. There’s an enormous pool and a wide variety of traditional fair food – a candy store, slushies, hot dogs, beer, ice cream, snowcones, burgers and funnel cakes. There are scenic wooded picnic areas, a beach at the river to take a stroll along, a stage for live bands, fireworks, hot air balloons, and a ferris wheel, roller coaster, bumper cars, swings, giant slide, paddle boats, and nausea-inducing spinning rides dating back many decades. It’s a nostalgic step back to a time when good clean fun was king and things were simpler and cheaper. And with half-price admission coupons to go along with the already thrifty price tag, it’s a great place to spend the afternoon.
Now, the people who apparently frequent this place on the 4th of July weekend are a whole different story entirely. Boy was the people watching fantastic! I gave up counting the number of vehicles parked straight in diagonal parking spaces. I also gave up counting the extremely embarrassingly and ill-fitting or outright inappropriate swimsuits, “cover ups” (that covered nothing I assure you), or heinously gaudy outfits. I get that this is a theme park of sorts so attractive attire isn’t necessarily priority, I get that it’s sticky and hot out so limiting clothing is a popular option, and I get that it’s the 4th of July therefore patriotic flag shirts are all the rage. But, man, was the people watching good! I saw so many epic fails of truly scary proportions that it was unreal. I had my camera ready and poised to document the atrocious parking jobs and laughable/inappropriate outfits with everything you don’t want to see hanging out, but my memory card just didn’t have enough room to hold it all and I decided it might be too rude to actually post those pictures on the web for all the world to see. Alas, no photo evidence, but at least your imagination can get a workout.
Lesson of the day: Unless you want to be somebody’s inside joke or hilarious memory of 4th of July 2011, please reconsider what you think is appropriate public attire and what you think looks good on you. If it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t fit. Just don’t buy it or go up one size – there’s no shame in that. If you need to feed your baby, yanking your flabby hooter out of your already ill-fitting bikini top with at least 30 complete strangers surrounding you may not be the best way to accomplish that. Neon yellow highwaters do not match your red, white and blue flag button-up. Please wear pants – your skimpy swimsuit bottom that amplifies and highlights your massive 75-year-old thunder thighs is fine at the pool, but not so stylin’ when your ripply thighs are flapping in the breeze on that swing ride. Look before you park. If everyone around you is parked at a diagonal, you probably should be too. It was a wealth of epic fail. A joyful, funny, wealth of memorable goodness. Please don’t be that person. Happy Epic Fail Friday!
What truly epic fails have you seen recently?
