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Excessive heat warning.

Those three words sum up our week in a nutshell. Now, when it comes to heat I’m not a weenie. I’m Texas born and Texas proud. We know heat in Texas where our spice flavors come in hot, blazing, and wicked ridiculous and 103 degrees from May-August isn’t unusual. We’ve adapted – we don’t own vehicles with leather seats because that’s just stupid, we know better than to let our little arm hairs anywhere near the searing hot metal seat belt, and we have a closet full of stylish shorts and tank tops made of cool, breathable materials. And in reality the heat in Texas, while continual, isn’t really all that bad. Texans aren’t weenies. We can handle the heat. But what we know is dry heat; temperature that more or less matches the heat index. It may be hotter than blazes out, but at least we’re not dripping in sweat.

What we have here in Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky is what I like to call a big old steaming pile of CRAP. Crap is a heat index of 108 because it’s 97% humidity out. Crap when you walk outside and your glasses steam up. Crap is when everything is moist and you swear it’s drizzling out, but there isn’t even a cloud in sight. Crap is when it feels like you just opened the lid of a boiling pot of steamed zucchini on your face. Crap is having to put your clothes through the dryer because you stood outside for four minutes in the sun. Crap is when the realtor wants to show you something interesting about the property outside but you hesitate because you have decide if going outside to see it is actually worth the effort. Crap is drinking bottle after bottle of water and never having to pee because you’re sweating so profusely. Crap is when your energy fades after mere minutes of simply walking outdoors and your slink into the house feeling nauseous like you just exercised for three hours or something. Crap is when the only thing you can even consider eating is ice cubes and watermelon. Crap, in short, is lame.

Excessive heat warning.

In Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky, that phrase actually means something. Just like the “30 mph around curve” speed limit signs. Anywhere else in the nation, you can pretty much just ignore those signs unless it’s raining or icy and go about 40 mph and you’ll be fine. In Texas “excessive heat warning” means “just another day like yesterday so get outside and have some fun y’all!” Only in Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky do “excessive heat warning” and “30 mph around curve” actually mean, and I quote, “stay the hell indoors fool” and “don’t you dare go barreling around this curve at 35 mph because you will royally regret it while you’re peeling your vehicle out of the concrete barrier.”

Extreme.

If you’d like another reminder that you are indeed in Kentucky, please proceed to your nearest restaurant where they’ll ask you “smoking or non-smoking?” Stare at them blankly, utterly dumbfounded, while they repeat the question twice and you try to figure out if that language was English.

Um, what? I seriously thought every state in the union was non-smoking by now. The last time I heard that phrase uttered in a public establishment was in San Antonio circa 2003. By the way, why the hell are you smoking? It’s 111 degrees out.