Monthly Archives: December 2011

Sometimes I think we’re just a bunch of old farts: We play scrabble. We also watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy religiously. And we’re proud members of the Wheel Watchers Spin Club (there’s nothing wrong with hoping to cash in on a bit of those cash & prizes). I cook healthy dinners (often in my crockpot – bonus!) and complain about the noisy whippersnapper above us who blares godforsaken metal music and stomps like a Clydesdale at 2 a.m. We’re hardly ever out and about past 11 p.m. and sleeping in means 9 a.m. The last time I entered a club with drinking, dancing, throbbing music, and glow sticks was definitely 2008. We go to the second run dollar theatre because we’re about the cheapest people on the planet and we’re constantly concerned about our health care, insurances, investments, and retirement funds. We consult our Entertainment coupon book often. We went on an old people cruise to Alaska, on an old people cruise line (Holland America) for our honeymoon and had a grand time! Every Sunday morning we attend 8 a.m. mass and go to Panera for breakfast, with the rest of the 80+ crowd. I’ve discovered a healthy appreciation for quality over quantity, old-timey classic Christmas things, vintage, and I no longer have glow in the dark stars, constellations, and galaxies plastered on my bedroom ceiling (99% because Ted won’t let me). We want to build and maintain a hobby model train exhibit that snakes around our living room. Ted likes pickled herring and I like dried fruit – that’s about as old-fartish as it gets, folks.

And sometimes I think how obnoxious we must be to others because we’re permanently five years old: The Wii was listed as a high priority on our wedding registry, and I still play Super Mario Brothers on my Nintendo DS. We had an entire camping gear related wedding registry too, as well as glow sticks at our reception. We cannot be let loose in Toys R’ Us, The Coolest Toy Store On Earth, or the toy aisles of Target without brazenly testing out every plaything in sight. We bring a bouncy ball to nice restaurants (accidental chaos sometimes ensues and we spend 14 minutes trying to figure out how to retrieve said bouncy ball from beneath the high heeled stiletto of the tramp eight tables over), and I request the kids activity book and crayons at restaurants I know have them. Ted could eat a rotation of mac n’ cheese, tacos, pizza, ribs, and honey bbq chicken wings every weeknight for eternity and never tire of it (please note the astonishing absence of leafy greens or veggies from this menu). I could eat ice cream hourly. We often skip, race, ballet leap, and/or piggy-back ride across parking lots. Ted makes up the most amazing, ridiculous, goofy songs and voices you’d ever hope to hear. Cosmic bowling, black light mini golf, laser tag, roller coaster amusement parks, bouncy castles, trampolines, carnival rides, swing sets, four wheelers, cotton candy/giant lollipops/funnel cakes/snowcones bring inexplicable joy. As do mondo piles of leaves, unattended water hoses, and large snowbanks to push one another into. We have a multi-colored rotating disco ball in our office. Ted can often be found awake at the crack of dawn plopped in front of the TV with a bowl of sugary, colorful Trix cereal watching Inspector Gadget and other cartoons, while I maintain my addiction to animated flicks, Scooby Doo, Halloween costumes, and small animals.

Bandwagons we have jumped onto: Becoming a Mac family (iPhones, iPods, iPads, MacBooks, Apple Airport Extremes, etc.), Angry Birds, Groupon/LivingSocial/CincySavers, Blogging, Instagram photos.

Bandwagons I will not be jumping on in 2012: Twitter (nobody needs to know that much of anyone’s business), Words with Friends (I prefer the real deal where nobody can cheat with a dumb scrabble dictionary), Pintrest (with what time and what money to get addicted to/obsessed with other people’s implied perfection?), and baby birthing (just no, so don’t ask).

Dear Pumpkin Seeds,

So, I was a little late on my Halloween pumpkin carving. On the upside, I did prolong your life by a good month and a half, and that is always a reason to celebrate. But now that I have gutted your three large pumpkiny shells, I am more than ready to season, roast, and enjoy the heck out of you. I cannot wait for the snacking feast that shall commence in front of a toasty fire with a winter woodchuck, and I will have leftovers for weeks!

Sincerely,

I’m Glad You’re So Delicious

***

Dear Snow Flurries,

For as much as I whine about you the mere thought of having to, God forbid, drive through you, I have to admit that you are calming and quite lovely. Yesterday morning you stopped by to visit for a few hours, and it was rather enjoyable and exciting to watch you. In fact, after 24 years of Texas living it actually seems quite unusual that it is December and you’re not here helping us to feel a little more Christmasy. Last year (you know, when we had a 316 ft. driveway to shovel) you basically parked yourself over Cincinnati and made yourself at home, but this year you’ve been oddly absent. I wouldn’t mind if you came to visit a little more often this month, but please choose days when my husband chauffeur is on duty . Thanks!

Sincerely,

Mixed Emotions

***

Dear Wednesday Night TV,

You are my mid-week sigh of relief! I’m go, go, go nonstop until I collapse into bed at midnight nearly every night of the week, so I love that I can always count on an hour and a half of relaxation and laughs every Wednesday between 8:30 and 10:00 p.m. Suburgatory, Modern Family, and Happy Endings, thank you for giving me a set period of time where I can drop the work, enjoy my husband’s company, and just let it all go. Thanks for being hilarious.

Sincerely,

TGIW

***

Dear Future Architects of City Downtown Districts,

Why all the one-way streets? Why all the parallel parking? Why all the sketchy parking garages? Why does it cost $8/hr. to park!? In the future, please think two-way streets, open parking lots, parks, and lots of lighting. My sanity thanks you.

Sincerely,

Parking Downtown Gives Me The Hives

***

Dear Cough & Cold,

Go away. You are not welcome here. And while we’re at it, please return my sense of smell and ability to taste immediately. It’s kind of a drag to have a Christmas tree you cannot smell, and an awesome meal you cannot taste. P.S. I’m also out of travel packs of Kleenex, household boxes of Kleenex, and $20 worth of cough syrup. You do reimburse, don’t you?

Sincerely,

Over It

***

Dear Christmas Break,

Game. On.

Sincerely,

Only 11 More Days of Work With No Day Off Until My Week of Sweet Freedom

***

Do you have an open letter to share this week?

Halls = Decked

Today I’d like to write about something beautiful and something good. I’d like to write about a few wonderful, positive things I have witnessed lately. It’s so easy to be negative, even unintentionally. It’s so easy to be judgmental. It’s so easy to be selfish or to take blessings and happiness for-granted. But every now and then you witness kindness, you witness selflessness, you witness love. And I think it’s important to dwell a bit on these acts when they come along. It’s important to take a moment to appreciate the positive influence they have on our world and to recognize the joy they can bring to everyone. They encourage us. They uplift us and inspire us and challenge us to do the same and to be kinder, gentler, happier, and more loving people. I’d like to share them with you in hopes that they will brighten your day as they have brightened mine.

– There’s an old man at church who melts our hearts and brings us so much happiness every Sunday morning at 8 a.m. He’s always at that mass and he always sits in the same exact pew in the same exact spot, right by the side door. He makes direct eye contact with everyone who walks in no matter how early or late they are, and gives everyone a big thumbs up (literally) and a huge, toothless, ear-to-ear grin as they pass. He shakes hands with every usher and every family that passes by him in their way to the back of the church to bring up the gifts. He speaks every single word of the mass – including the Priest’s parts – because he is so happy to be at church. He rises and waits, excitedly, at the very end of his pew as soon as communion starts because he is so eager to receive communion. He smiles and smiles and smiles the whole entire mass. Ted and I often find ourselves sneaking long peeks at him during church because he is just so happy and so positive that merely watching him brings such a sense of joy to our morning. What a great example of how we should all be! He literally brightens our day and I often think how I would love to be just like him.

– While Ted was at Buffalo Wild Wings sitting at the bar with a friend watching the Packer game yesterday, a homeless man came in. It was pouring rain outside and a little chilly, and the man wanted to come in and get out of the rain and off his feet for a while. He didn’t bother anybody or ask for food or money. He just sat at the bar and ordered a water. Instead of kicking him out, knowing full well that he smelled bad, would order nothing but water, and would likely stay through all the Sunday football games, the waitress gave him water and then brought him out a burger and fries – on the house – to eat, and told him he could stay inside, out of the rain, for the evening and enjoy the food and warmth. I am so thankful that there are kind-hearted people out there caring for those who could use some support, a kind smile, and a warm meal the most. Stories like this renew my faith in humanity. I felt lighter just knowing that this man, who clearly has a tough life, could have just one night warm, safe, dry, well fed, and enjoying a football game, just like any other person, instead of begging for food or shivering in the rain or struggling just to keep going.

– At church they are handing out cardboard storage boxes with a list of 15-20 food items inside. You take the list to the grocery store, purchase the items, fill the box, and bring it back to church the following Sunday. The box is returned to St. Vincent De Paul who gives out the boxes, which are several meals worth of food, to families in need. We don’t make much money, but every month we can pay our rent, fill the car with gas, and get food from the grocery store. We have an awful lot to be thankful for and even without a lot of extra money for us to share with others, the least we can do is take that box, fill it with $40 worth of food and return it so that some other family might have meals this week. I was happy to see such a project in action, and touched to see so many families take one, two, three, or more boxes. Though we may all struggle financially from time to time and have to skimp at the store or buy rice, beans, bread, peanut butter, and Ramen noodles for a while to make ends meet, we really have no idea what it’s like to not be able to feed our husband or wife or child dinner or breakfast because there is literally no money or to go without home or heat or shoes or a coat or a shower or other basic necessities because we can’t even put it on a credit card. I love seeing people, even those who struggle themselves at times, give generously to others. It’s a little thing, but I believe it makes a huge difference.

What random acts of love have you noticed lately?

You might be crazy if…

…you insist upon forcing your unwilling children to ride down the escalator and then run back up the stairs and ride it down again 4 + times in a busy public establishment during the busy holiday season, blocking all traffic and illiciting glares from your fellow citizens as you do so, all in an effort for you to secure a perfect picture of your offspring riding an escalator. What a major life milestone. Totally worth your time, effort, and everyone else’s patience and sanity. You do not look like a doting mother, you look like a crazy fool.

…you think merely walking up to a front desk and stating “I am Karen and I am here” and then refusing to give any additional information is going to help that poor person behind the front desk figure out why you’re here, what you need, or how to help you. Entitlement is decisively un-sexy.

…you’re one of those parents who allows their children to terrorize others in public, run amuck screaming loudly, pester staff who are working on oh, you know, doing their job, stuff other people’s things in their drooly mouths and then not even offering to wipe it down with a Lysol wipe, or plop your spawn’s smelly diapered behind on a cashier’s counter-top, where they will inevitably proceed to touch and/or drool on all their business materials. If you’re incapable of parenting responsibly, then you shouldn’t have had children. Fact.

…you’re still under the unfortunate misconception that wearing leggings without the company of a dress, mini skirt, or extra long shirt is appropriate public attire. Leggings are not pants. Tights are not pants. And it’s 30 degrees outside. You don’t look as great or smart as you, apparently, think you look.

…you are under the assumption that planting your caroling troupe squarely in front of a desk where people have to speak, listen, be heard and conduct business transactions, often with elderly patrons, while you sing jovial holiday tunes loudly is, in any way, appreciated or helpful. At the risk of sounding like Scrooge, I am unamused and I can’t hear anything other than you. 

…your holiday shipping rate for regular old plain Jane snail mail of a 1 lb. package is $15 + and, mysteriously, costs more than the item itself. You are outright insane if you think you’re going to earn anyone’s business that way. I’m not dumb and I know for a fact that it doesn’t cost that much to ship. You’re not fooling anyone and you just appear selfish beyond measure.

…you think walking away from someone who helped you without saying a simple “thank you” or even acknowledging them goes unnoticed. You may be batshit crazy for being so rude, but sadly, you’re not alone as there are at least 18,000 other people in Cincinnati who were reared without any sense of respect or manners.

…you happen to be the people who live above Ted and I and you dispose of your egg shells, dryer lint, and cigarette butts on the, otherwise, very lovely expanse of land that we call our backyard. If this is you, I hope you are reading this, because you are crazy. Nobody thinks littering is cute. You’re an adult, so act like one and use the damn trash can.

Don’t worry, I’m totally not as bitter as I sound. I’m more amused than anything else. I sure hope you found these little snippets of truth (and stupidity) as amusing as I do! What irks you? I hear sharing is therapeutic. :-)

Happy Saturday!

Little treats I have been eyeing lately:

– Fitted corduroy blazers

– Boldly hued tights

– Colorful scarves

– Whimsicle little hair clips

– Nail polish in glittery, hunter green, and light gray please

– Thermal pajamas, matching (naurally), with cuffed sleeves and a sweet print

– Denim trousers and polisehd jeans that fit to a T

– T-strap heels (my fav!) in nude and a pair in color too

– Ankle bootie heels that lace into a bow in front (if anyone knows the real term for these, as I’m positive my descirption is not it, please inform me asap)

– Delicate long layering necklaces

– Vintage-looking cloche hats

Oh, money! Why are you so inaccessible!?

And yet, I know for a fact that none of these material treasures, no matter how swoon-worthy, would make me any happier or richer than I already am blessed to be. Looking sharp does not equate to a happy, meaningful life, which I am lucky to have sans fab clothes.

But it doesn’t mean I’m exempt from drooling over stellar wardrobe choices anyway. :-)

I’ve decided to bring about the return of Open Letters Thursday and Epic Fail Friday.

Sometimes life gets busy, you know?

But it should never get too busy that celebrating humor (or, um, snarking on grandiose stupidity) falls off the radar.

So it shall return. Next week.  I already have two fails lined up…I’m excited.

Tonight Ted and I are on the hunt for this year’s Christmas tree. If you remember from last year we went all out, spent about three + hours roaming a tree farm out in the boonies in search of the most perfect tree in existence. We chopped that sucker down in a picturesque snowfall whilst petting farm animals and drinking hot cocoa. It was pretty awesome.

This time around we’re thinking of downsizing. Adopting a sweet little Charlie Brown tree. A short, scraggly guy.

Though perhaps not quite this scrawny.

I’ll let you know what we come up with.

I am off work early, always a welcome surprise, sipping a steamy, creamy chai latte. I’m catching up on my blog reading, Christmas card address labels, and an Ed. Outreach evaluation. The girl on my left is face-timing in German, the couple across from me is speaking Japanese, and the two girls on my right are discussing fashion. Life is beautiful.