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There’s nothing quite like an eye exam to make you feel like a loser

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I scheduled my annual eye exam this morning to check up on the general health of my peepers and to update my prescription for contacts and glasses. The conversation, as it usually does, went something like this.

Eye Doctor: Hi Lara, I’m Doctor PerfectVision. So, what brings you in this morning?

Lara: I’m just in for my annual eye exam and a new prescription for my glasses and contacts.

Eye Doctor: Have you noticed a change in your vision that makes you think you need a new prescription?

Lara: Not really. But every year after I make a raging fool out of myself during the eye exam, I’m always written a stronger prescription, so I’m just assuming it’s about that time of the year again.

Eye Doctor: Alright, well let’s take a look to see where you’re at. Cover your left eye. Can you read the bottom line of letters?

Lara: Hahahaha

Eye Doctor: What about the next line up?

Lara: Above the dotted line?

Eye Doctor: Those are letters, not a dotted line.

Lara: Oh. Well, no then, I guess I can’t read them.

Eye Doctor: That’s okay, just go one more line up. Can you see those?

Lara: Uhhh…

Eye Doctor: How about the fourth line?

Lara: There’s a K…or wait, it’s a P, maybe…then, ummm…uhhhh…Q?

Eye Doctor: Read me the first line you can see.

Lara: N, D, L, R, S, O

Eye Doctor: That’s the top line.

Lara: Well, will you look at that. It sure is!

Eye Doctor: Now let’s cover up your right eye and try again. What letters can you see from the third line?

Lara: blink, blink

Eye Doctor: Let’s try line four.

Lara: Is that a 7?

Eye Doctor: There are no numbers on the chart.

Lara: So, it’s not a 7?

Eye Doctor: No, I’m afraid not. Just read the letters from the first line you can see.

Lara:  N, D, L, R, S, O

Eye Doctor: First line again?

Lara: I have an excellent memory.

Eye Doctor: Okay, which lense is better, one or two?

Lara: One.

Eye Doctor: One or two?

Lara: Uhhhh…

Eye Doctor: One or two?

Lara: Neither?

Eye Doctor: Hmm, has your vision always been a little blurry even with a new prescription?

Lara: Well, duh. Isn’t that how it is for everyone?

Eye Doctor: Lara, I’d like to dilate the hell out of your eyes for the next 45 minutes with eye drops that feel a lot like acid and will leave you with pupils the size of a spaceship and a highly noticeable wandering lazy eye, so you’ll look a bit like a drunken cat. The dilation won’t wear off for about two hours. In the meanwhile you’ll be farsighted instead of nearsighted for the first time in your life and extremely sensitive to sunlight. We’ll ask you to take out your contacts, fill out paperwork blind, and then try to drive home like this. Remember, you’re farsighted now. Oh, and we’ll charge you $34 for this experience and don’t worry, your insurance doesn’t cover this. Is that okay?

Lara: You had me at drunk cat! Do I really get to wear those amazing roll-up sunglasses and try drive home blind with an empty wallet? Sign me up!

Okay, so it didn’t go exactly like that, but there’s the gist of it. My 30-minute appointment turned into 2.5 hours but I walked away extremely pleased with my vision, the helpfulness and expertise of the doctors who work there, and the Wing EyeCare location I had chosen, despite the obvious humiliation I am subject to every time I make a fool out of myself during the exam. I was treated to the most thorough eye examination in existence with multiple futuristic-looking machines that test and scan for literally everything. I was given a perfect bill of eye health and was fitted with the best contact lenses I have ever worn that immediately gave me noticeably sharper vision (despite my astigmatism) and 20/25 vision for, probably, the very first time in my life! With the help of my sweet personal shopping guru/lense specialist I picked out some rockin’ new glasses that actually fit my face correctly, have an updated lense prescription, and are really beyond adorable. And they even corrected the frame fit of my current glasses and gave me a new glasses case, likely because they felt bad for me because A) I stayed there for 2.5 hours B) I have God awful vision and it is outright embarrassing, C) my eyeglasses case is from 1993 and was obviously falling apart, and D) the huge pupils and major lazy eye is a highly unattractive look. Regardless, I’m thrilled with the outcome. I can see and I’m totally happy with my new contacts and pick of great new frames!
 
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has simultaneously frightful and comical eye appointments on a frequent basis.
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  1. Samantha February 1, 2012

    I realize this is nearly a year old, but…

    You are absolutely not alone! haha. This was just about exactly how my eye exam a couple of days ago went, but without the dilation because I paid $40 to have retinal images taken instead (lemme tell you – it’s a bit freaky to see photos of the backs of your eyeballs!)

    I have astigmatism in one eye (my good eye!) and estropia (eye crosses in) in the other… 20/20 vision w/lenses in my good eye, 20/30 in my bad eye. Which means that I get to feel like a REAL idiot when I see what the letters actually are (bad eye is like “Erm, P? 7? D?” while good eye goes “Oh, that’s Z R Y T O”).

    “1 or 2? Better or Worse? Or the same?”

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